Thursday, January 12, 2012

Joy of Giving - Card 18 - Laying the Foundation

When I first started writing, this blog was my place to vent. But through this virtual Dear Diary I have met some incredible people. Strangers who have joined me from the unknown.... I have been enriched by their friendships, their experiences and their lives. 

When I read the following post (written in response to Card 18) in my Inbox I was completely tongue tied. I know this person but she chooses to remain anonymous. I respect her wish and with her permission share this post with you.

I also applaud her for her action. Reaching out and renewing a bond broken after a heartbreak is NOT easy. Kudos to her! 

A long time ago I was influenced by a story in Women’s era about a widow who regretted that the last words spoken to her husband were that of anger and I had decided that I would profit from her lesson. So how much ever I and my friends or relatives fought I made sure that when we parted, the bridge was always there. If it was not, I persisted subtlely to build it and then slowly let go, once the way was open. It was not necessary that we always remained in touch but anytime we wanted to talk, there was nothing to stop us …that was the criteria.

But there was this one person who became an exception. Trying to keep the bridges on became very difficult and frankly speaking I had cut this person out of life and thrown her out because it was very difficult being a positive person with her around ( and the funny thing is she was technically not around.The brdidge was broken and burnt. So, You can imagine her hold on me and how important she was to me.After all she was my elder sister). 

Whenever she hurt me directly or indirectly ( because she was against my marriage ) I used to lash out at my hubby. For one whole year my anger would be directed to him like fire and like the snow he would accept it in all it’s rage and calm me down. Bless this man my readers, and bless this man’s parents for moulding him like this. Any other person would have distanced himself from me. One day, when i couldnot take it anymore, I decided , Enough is enough. This person is not worth it. The rage has to be directed to the one who is deserving and not my husband.

That night I ranted and raved like a mad lunatic screaming at that imaginary person with all my senses with my husband holding me close to his heart until I had removed all the poison in my mind.

Once I had closure I could take a deep breath. After that I have never tried to initiate any contact with her. I used to know about her through others. Prayed for her like I normally did but that’s it. No longer was that person a part of my soul. No longer did she have any influence in my feelings. I was content with the situation. I was extremly happy ..I am extremly happy. I have my sister in my memories which are untainted. And for now truly speaking i am content in that.

And then comes this card. "Be the first one to say sorry". My first impression was “Hey , I don’t have anyone like that and then I remembered her.” I went in a turmoil. Should I do this? Even when a small part of me thought of saying sorry for hurting her due to my actions many other parts of me would squish that part of me down saying “ Why the hell should you say sorry????. You marrying someone you like is wrong but she wanting you to live your whole life in misery is right? Have you forgotten how she behaved to you? Have you forgotten how unjust she was??? What are you so sorry for?” and things like this. But this card is giving me strength to give importance to that tiny part of me whcih still wants to be the better me.

I cannot judge for what she did to me just like I cannot ask forgiveness for doing what I believed to be right but I can ask sorry for the pain she underwent for my sake. How much ever I think my decision is justified and her reaction is not, it is not for me to judge her pain. Pain, after all, is Pain. Who are we to judge whose is more? So I wrote to her,

Clean and straight with no ifs,buts , becauses, and no explanations …. All that is not of consequence….But it was very difficult to write it.

In short i told sorry for the hurt i caused her through my actions. I did not explain nor justify. That was the toughest. I was as well doing it. I thought i might as well give her the total satisfaction.

I am not going to wait for reply. the pessimist and the real me does not expect anything good. I wanted to write about this before any second thoughts. Anyhow if not the bridge, atleast the rocks for the foundation has been laid.

Pray for us....

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