Monday, February 15, 2010

This is for you, MAA



Multiple layers
A shade of pink in the midst
of an ocean of blue
A bed of clouds
spread out before my eyes
Lingering few suspended
in the far distance
The radiant sun shines 
on the extended wing
bidding goodbye to my world
on its way to light another
Surely
This is what Heaven must feel like
And each one of us
has their share of Heaven 
just waiting to be hugged

***************************************

I'm seated in an aircraft and am looking out of the window. I'm going to meet my mom.

Dad called last night and said her blood pressure had shot up. She was hospitalised being given a drip with medication to bring the BP down. She is stable, he said.

But my mind - my mind could not stay still.

I tried sleeping but I dreamt of her. When I woke up in the morning, I'd resolved to go meet her. Come what may.

The money that would be spent, the hassle of traversing this distance - I was given feeble excuses to stop this journey.

But my aching heart could not accept the 'logic' of those words. I had to do as my heart bid me.

Before I left, Harish noticed my sadness and when he gently asked me, I almost soaked his shirt.

I am in gratitude to my mom for the rest of my life, for:
Being my pillar of strength
Fighting unending battles for me
Believing in me
Giving me the gift of life
Encouraging me to revel in the happiness of children
Being my support
Making me the headstrong, independent individual I am....

In return I perhaps never gave her much. A dose of my rebellion in my teen years, some criticism and lots of anger and sadness.

I have often told my friends that my constant and recurring nightmare has to do with the fear of losing my mom. Sometimes I feel (when I hear of friends losing their moms, or when Harish lost his) that I will probably die or want to die with her.

To me she is so precious that I would like to follow her into the next world when it happens.

***************************************

School instilled in me the fear of Hell. My convent education has reinforced the idea of Satan waiting in HELL where raging fires burn to teach us humans a lesson for all our evil actions on Earth.

I know I am not perfect. I lie when needed, I am egoistic and prone to intense anger - in short, I KNOW I'm probably going to Hell. Somewhere the fear still lurks - not of dying per se, but of dying and going to hell.

***************************************

With these numerous feelings I sat in the cab that took me to Bombay to catch my aircraft to Cochin.

Mid-flight when I saw the sky outside the window, after waking up from a disturbed nap, I finally felt at peace inside.

The devil had been put to rest.
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