Don't they say something to the effect that means 'Fling out that relationship...that one... yes... THAT one, which saps you off your happiness, makes you feel worthless...."
On the other hand, the smarter ones advise you, "Talk. Work it out. Its the only way."
Talk? Now, let me ask you, how many times have you tried to initiate a conversation, a real heart-to-heart with your better half to a satisfactory response?? (And this quiz is not open to the newly wedded blissfully unaware of the marital pitfalls kinda couples...)
Everytime you try to have a conversation about what has caused you hurt, you are invariably shown the mirror. The finger points right back. A question is hurled back at you. Making you, thus, the perpetrator of past crimes, real and imaginary, and perhaps of several more in the future. And your partner, a victim: of life, of circumstances. Courtsey YOU.
So you walk back to the starting line each time, like an animated film being re-wound and starting once again from the part where the lion roars through the ring, but soon disappears as credits begin to roll.
Back where you started. Except this time, you hear the barrage of complaints against you. So you set down your arms and raise your defenses. "That is not what I meant. No, that is not what happened. This is the truth..."
It goes on. Unendingly immune to the cause of action, the barrage continues and leaves you ... Right... Exactly where you started from. Angry, hostile, hurt and sad all at once.
You feel the exasperation creep in like a volcano brewing in Earth's belly... A few repetitions of this ACT and the volcano erupts to an incredulous response, "What happened to you? Why are you so angry? What did I do now?"
Playing headbangers ball maybe some people's idea of a 'conversation' and method of 'sorting' it out. But it so has not worked for me. If only, it has made me angrier and upset-er (I know that isn't a word). And I know it has done my partner no good either. It is easy to make that out by the way he snorts and says, "Do you have to do this every three months?" Except that he has been living on another planet so long he has probably forgotten that you have a period once a month and not once every quarter. But thats besides the point.
It is the anger and the frustration that you find difficult to deal with. "Try meditation" say well meaning friends. "I would" you think, "as soon as I can sort out this mess...I will relax...and perhaps take to meditation... Give up the world maybe. Anything. Just wanna clear my life off this mess first...."
Divorce, seperation, or living together for the sake of the kids are all 'punishments'...
What is the answer, then? Where is the solution? Wherein lies redemption?