Joy of Giving - Card 18 - Laying the Foundation

When I first started writing, this blog was my place to vent. But through this virtual Dear Diary I have met some incredible people. Strangers who have joined me from the unknown.... I have been enriched by their friendships, their experiences and their lives. 

When I read the following post (written in response to Card 18) in my Inbox I was completely tongue tied. I know this person but she chooses to remain anonymous. I respect her wish and with her permission share this post with you.

I also applaud her for her action. Reaching out and renewing a bond broken after a heartbreak is NOT easy. Kudos to her! 

A long time ago I was influenced by a story in Women’s era about a widow who regretted that the last words spoken to her husband were that of anger and I had decided that I would profit from her lesson. So how much ever I and my friends or relatives fought I made sure that when we parted, the bridge was always there. If it was not, I persisted subtlely to build it and then slowly let go, once the way was open. It was not necessary that we always remained in touch but anytime we wanted to talk, there was nothing to stop us …that was the criteria.

But there was this one person who became an exception. Trying to keep the bridges on became very difficult and frankly speaking I had cut this person out of life and thrown her out because it was very difficult being a positive person with her around ( and the funny thing is she was technically not around.The brdidge was broken and burnt. So, You can imagine her hold on me and how important she was to me.After all she was my elder sister). 

Whenever she hurt me directly or indirectly ( because she was against my marriage ) I used to lash out at my hubby. For one whole year my anger would be directed to him like fire and like the snow he would accept it in all it’s rage and calm me down. Bless this man my readers, and bless this man’s parents for moulding him like this. Any other person would have distanced himself from me. One day, when i couldnot take it anymore, I decided , Enough is enough. This person is not worth it. The rage has to be directed to the one who is deserving and not my husband.

That night I ranted and raved like a mad lunatic screaming at that imaginary person with all my senses with my husband holding me close to his heart until I had removed all the poison in my mind.

Once I had closure I could take a deep breath. After that I have never tried to initiate any contact with her. I used to know about her through others. Prayed for her like I normally did but that’s it. No longer was that person a part of my soul. No longer did she have any influence in my feelings. I was content with the situation. I was extremly happy ..I am extremly happy. I have my sister in my memories which are untainted. And for now truly speaking i am content in that.

And then comes this card. "Be the first one to say sorry". My first impression was “Hey , I don’t have anyone like that and then I remembered her.” I went in a turmoil. Should I do this? Even when a small part of me thought of saying sorry for hurting her due to my actions many other parts of me would squish that part of me down saying “ Why the hell should you say sorry????. You marrying someone you like is wrong but she wanting you to live your whole life in misery is right? Have you forgotten how she behaved to you? Have you forgotten how unjust she was??? What are you so sorry for?” and things like this. But this card is giving me strength to give importance to that tiny part of me whcih still wants to be the better me.

I cannot judge for what she did to me just like I cannot ask forgiveness for doing what I believed to be right but I can ask sorry for the pain she underwent for my sake. How much ever I think my decision is justified and her reaction is not, it is not for me to judge her pain. Pain, after all, is Pain. Who are we to judge whose is more? So I wrote to her,

Clean and straight with no ifs,buts , becauses, and no explanations …. All that is not of consequence….But it was very difficult to write it.

In short i told sorry for the hurt i caused her through my actions. I did not explain nor justify. That was the toughest. I was as well doing it. I thought i might as well give her the total satisfaction.

I am not going to wait for reply. the pessimist and the real me does not expect anything good. I wanted to write about this before any second thoughts. Anyhow if not the bridge, atleast the rocks for the foundation has been laid.

Pray for us....

Joy of Giving - Week 18 - A tale

Once, way back in 2008, I wrote about it on this very blog. About the trepidation I'd felt when I found the profile of a dear brother (cousin) on the recently-hyped FaceBook and didn't have the guts to send him a message. He responded to my post, wrote a long reply in my comment box, much to my surprise because I didn't know he even knew I had a blog or an existence in the virtual world.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we met up - he drove down to Pune with his wife from Bombay - and began the process of building the bridge we'd broken.

More than three years hence, we catch up with each other once in a while (mostly Whatsapp), and after the initial Mr Goody Two Shoes behaviour (which lasted till May 2011), he is back to being the cuz I knew growing up - sarcastic, mocking and weird.

But I am not complaining!

Because see, the thing about attempting to build the bridge again is also that we tend to put on appearances; perhaps to impress the other person (with our maturity - because heck, it IS the maturity that brought to us to the point where we reconnected in the first place!), not rudely shock the person we haven't been in touch with for years (and let them exclaim, "you haven't changed one darn bit"), or may be we are still getting used to the idea of having this person back in our lives and think that being 'nice' or 'not our real selves' can cushion the blow they may feel when they realise that we REALLY haven't changed in all these years!!!!

Either ways, it isn't easy renewing a relationship, especially if it has ended on a not-so-happy note.

But every time I receive a cynical, 'below-the-belt' kinda message from the cuz I smile. Took three years but he is back!!! :-)

Joy of Giving - Card 18 experience

I got this anonymous long note in the comment box yesterday.... A beautiful tale of reconnecting and renewing an estranged friendship...

It was many moons ago that I, walked away from a beautiful friendship, the result of some impulsive and immature reactions.

We were good and thick friends who shared lots of common interests, music being the major one. He was naturally talented and played the guitar like a wiz. In fact he was the one who taught me the basics of playing this instrument, that I, to this day cherish. We also shared a wacky sense of humour, and that too bonded us well because it wasn't easy to find people to laugh at our jokes or understand our so called wit! There was no count to the number of evenings we just spent time together, that often extended to the night and the next day morning, talking, singing, sharing a drink or two.

He was also good friends with this lovely girl, an erstwhile colleague of his. He introduced me to her. I fell in love with this lass and courted her into submission. Blinded by the love, what I failed to notice or understand was that, he too was besotted, in love with the same girl. A classic bollywood 'love triangle'. And when I did come to know, my reactions too were on the same lines. Harsh words, lots of drama and a broken friendship. No, two broken friendships, because I caused the break up of two other good friends. 

As years aged me, and possibly wisened me too a bit, I realised the stupidity of my actions every time I revisited those times in my head. My sense of misplaced outrage was because “he dared to fall in love with my girl!” Arrogance of youth and immature passions can block reasonable thoughts. Little did I give weight to the fact that love sees no season or reason. Nor it is a crime. I did not give credit to the fact that may be I was the one who shattered his dreams. 
Because, they were friends much before I came into the picture. And if I could fall in love with her in such a short duration of knowing her, why couldn’t he have, earlier on itself? I remember vividly, asking him “Why couldn’t you tell me earlier! When I opened up to you first about my feelings for her?” I would have backed off even if he had hinted about it. Unfortunately, events turned out such that my anger and distress at the breach of trust overpowered all other senses and plunged that friendship to doom. 

On many an occasion I have rued my actions, at being immature and destructively impulsive. I have hence, really tried to be mellow, to avoid judgmental actions that create unnecessary wedges between family and friends. It takes a lot to make me angry now. I’m also doing my best to control the odd bursts of temper tantrums, but it’s a work in progress.
Much time had already elapsed, enough to fade out those memories when FB threw up an opportunity to make amends. Recently, an innocuous 'friend suggestion' brought my lost friend fresh into mind. After lots of self introspection and deliberation, I suppressed my ego and I messaged him and we reconnected. That was the first step. My first brick, to build that broken bridge. There is a real sense of lightness in me now. As though, I let go of some burden which I was subconsciously carrying. Happier still, that lovely girl, who is now my wife, has also reconnected with him. This time I introduced him to her.

Joy of Giving - Card 18 - Week 18

At some point in our lives, all of us have broken bridges. We have walked away from people, friends, relationships for reasons that need not be matters of debate and most of us have never looked back.

Many of us believe we are invincible and we have an ego that doesn't allow us to forgive and move on. Most often we end up keeping that bridge broken, stubbornly refusing to mend it, by reaching out, and apologising or forgiving or both.

This week, the Joy of Giving card extolls us to say Sorry and mend old relationships.  

I love this card and I shall shortly recount exactly why!

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