blindfolded, groping through life

seeking -

someone

something

to hold on to

as my boat rocks and fills with water

and I

cling on to dear life

shrouded in darkness and misery

when daylight breaks

as it always does

I can't see

I sometimes feel its warm enlivening rays

casting their rejuvenating light on me

making me hold on to that dear feeling

lest it is lost

in the madness and darkness

that threatens to envelop

every happy moment

transient and temporary

day leads to night

night leads to another day

as I oscillate between

utter despair and hope

happy today

sad tomorrow

here today

gone tomorrow?

where will this end?

will there be light at the end

of this darkness?

or darkness at the end of every light?

Sibling Revelry

Travelling one evening to watch a movie, the children sat singing songs on the back seat. The radio was 'off' and the mood was peppy as the children sang an unfamiliar (to us) tune, in unison, cracking into spontaneous laughter as they ended the song.

Then, Abhir says, " Oorja didi, when you get married and go away I will miss you very much!"

This is followed by an 'Awwww' from Oorja, and hugs between the two.

Hubby and I look at each other and smile.

There are cat fights and shouting matches between the two, resulting often in crying sessions. But this display of instinctive affection and attachment has left us thinking - We are doing something right!

"I'm not an actor

I'm not a star

And I don't even have my own car

But I'm hoping so much you'll stay

That you will love me anyway......"

A plea

Its not easy

To recognise and accept

that the love we shared

is not there anymore

The respect, the adulation

the fascination and admiration

lies buried deep

under piles of complaints

unfulfilled wishes

egoistic manipulations

unhealthy irritations

Unreachable, unrecoverable

Expectations - What you are

What you are not

What I wish you could be

What I wish we could be

- Dissatisfaction brews

simmering in the dark throes

of our souls

The connection and bond

lies severed

bleeding incessantly

revealing a gash so extreme

that the finest soothing words

fail to be medicative

Should we not end this charade?

This farcical 'happiness' ?

Who are we fooling?

Ourselves or those around us???

Take that step towards liberty my dear

For I lack the will to

do what is good for both of us..........

Did you get us, Lord?

I usually like to involve the kids in activities that I find mundane, especially on a weekend. They spice up such activities with their energy and enthusiasm and also learn to be responsible. I get them to clean their room, put their things back where they belong etc...

Often I have had cake baking sessions that have involved not just my own two tots, but the neighbourhood children as well.

And it is a lot of fun.

Every child participates, breaking eggs, whipping the mixture, adding butter, milk etc...later, watching the cake rise in the oven. Their excitement is totally infectious! And when the cake is done, their pride is unmistakable.

Now I understand why community cooking especially during festivals was such a common and acceptable form of life in many Northern villages. It took the burden off one woman to churn up a celebratory meal, and the fun these women had, gossiping, cracking jokes, sharing secrets and bonding while working together made it worth their while.

This afternoon, I brought home a few plant cuttings from a friendly neighbour and decided to get my children to help me weed the pots in the balcony and plant each one of them.

As we planted them, we said, "Dear God please bless this plant. Let it grow to be healthy and strong." (That's also because I don't trust my 'green' thumb... They would need divine grace to survive...)

Soon we were done and 8 freshly planted saplings were ready to brave it out on their own.

As we washed our hands and feet clean, Abhir, my six year old asked me, "Mama, does God understand all languages? Even English?"

:-)

I am against racism

One of those email forwards but one that I think should be promulgated.

TWO TRUE STORIES ABOUT RACISM

1) I'm sure many of you watched the recent recording of the Oprah Winfrey Show where her guest was Tommy Hilfiger. On the show, she asked him if the statements about race he was accused of saying were true.

Statements like'...'If I'd known African-Americans, Hispanics, Jewish and Asians would buy my clothes, I WOULD NOT have made them so nice. I wish these people would *NOT* buy my clothes, as they are made for upper class white people'

His answer to Oprah was a simple 'YES', where after she immediately asked him to leave her show.

Perhaps it is time that us Asians, should desist from buying Tommy Hilfiger at all. I consciously have been avoiding it ever since his stores have ravaged our malls. Let's give him what he asked for. BOYCOTT. Would you?

2) Scene took place on a British Airways flight between Johannesburg and London. A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air hostess.

'Madam, what is the matter,' the hostess asked.
"You obviously do not see it then?' she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat..'

'Be calm please,' the hostess replied. 'Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available.' The hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later...

'Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the Captain and he informed me that there is a seat in the business class... All the same, we still have one place in the first class.'

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued: 'It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting.'

She turned to the black guy, and said, 'Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in first class.'

At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

An encounter with a celebrity

I have always liked her. The actor Lillete Dubey I mean. She has done spunky roles and her voice is enticing. Her love for theatre and the manner in which she has juggled a successful career and home is an inspiration. And she is gorgeous despite her age and has an awesome figure too.

But what I experienced last morning has me disillusioned.

I was flying back from Ahmedabad and as we sat awaiting departure call, the scheduled departure time whizzed by. Many passengers accosted the flight attendant (including me) and were told that there was a technical snag due to which we would be delayed by one hour.

Amongst the passengers was Lillette Dubey who I had previously seen lounging in the security

area. At that point, I'd

wanted to go up to her and tell her that she must bring her plays to Pune and I would help her get the necessary media exposure. But she seemed really engrossed in her handphone and I didn't have the heart to interrupt. It may have seemed an intrusion. I let her be. So did almost all other passengers in the lounge.

Anyway, she was amongst the passengers who were visibly upset that they were being delayed. Many of them had connecting flights to other cities. She wanted to get out of the security area and made the attendant chaperone her to the exit. Obviously, considering her 'celebrity' status, she was whisked away to a private lounge or office, and till we boarded the flight an hour later, she was not amongst us.

As I sat on the airplane having asked for a window seat, I watched the last of the passengers board the aircraft. For some reason, the door was not being closed and I watched the time tick by. Fearful that the technical snag had re-appeared and we would be asked to deplane, I watched as the attendants seemed to be waiting for someone or something.

After 20 minutes, the transport arrived at the foot of the aircraft and an attendant went in to get the passenger out. Dubey got off, folding a newspaper and got into the airplane after which the Captain gave instructions to 'Close and arm all doors please...'

Upon landing in Mumbai, she was the first to deplane although she did deign to travel on the same bus to the Arrival lounge.

What is it about the Bollywood fraternity that makes them think they are Lord Almighty?

Or is it us?

Do we tend to create stars out of mere mortals and place them on a pedestal?

She could have waited patiently like the rest of us. That would have made me respect her more. But she used her 'star power' or celebrity status to get a preferential treatment over all the rest of us who were flying with her (on a low cost Airline I might add).

If she had used her status to get all her co-passengers preferential treatment too, I would have been bowled over.

I don't have an issue over a 'celebrity' status. They work hard, they are in the limelight and they deserve it.

It is the 'selfishness' of this status that I resent.

Help find a boy

A Nepali man-friday in our building, (who has a very nice name - Chetan, but is called the ubiquitous 'Bahadur') has approached me, hoping that I, with my connections in newspapers will be able to get an insertion (read: Ad) for his missing son.

The 12 year old ran away almost 5 years ago, after an argument over watching TV! Yes. It does make you wonder at the injustice of it all. A child you've reared gets upset with you because you reprimand him for watching TV and the next thing you know is, he becomes one amongst India's lost children!!

My heart went out to him and I have vowed to help him out.

I tried all my contacts at the newspapers. They wanted to help but could not. Unfortunately, newspapers do not publish Missing Persons reports unless it comes from the Police Station. And this is a very old case so the cops have invariably lost interest.

The only option is to place an ad. I've been told by a reputed consultancy that placing an ad in the Classifieds section may be cheaper but won't have any impact. An independent ad (which will appear in the main pages and will be eye catching), for an insertion in two most popular Marathi newspapers for an all-Maharashtra publication will cost Rs 35,000 or so. Sticking to Maharashtra because logic says he may have gone to Mumbai - the likely destination for such lost souls.

I hope my friends, you will come forward to help him. Your contributions will help raise the money needed. I am starting with me - Rs 2500. Any contribution, however small, is welcome, as long as it is from your heart!

If you want to help, do send me an email and I will mail you the photograph of the lad and a copy of the FIR.

The risks: The ad may not have any impact since the boy has been missing too long. But I want to try. A last ditch effort perhaps.

And anyway, who am I to give up hope when the boy's father hasn't!

Both sides now

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds * that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
I've looked at clouds from both sides now

From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all
I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

Listen to this beautiful track by Joni Mitchell here -

both sides now - joni mitchell songs
Mp3 download | Music download

Timeliness is the keyword.

Baring your soul weeks or even months after an action of your loved one has caused you hurt is seen as "quite unnecessary..." or worse still, "raking up an issue..." when there presumably does not exist one.

This is not the "Women are from Venus" type of explanation, but in my interactions and conversations with several close women friends, I have found that this is a common phenomenon.

Women tend to buckle out of an uncomfortable situation (that may result in a shouting match, an arguement, or simply a disagreement), but the wound remains on their heart, festering and growing bio-rich by the nano second.

Call it their desire to 'forgive', 'ignore' or simply 'overlook' whatever it is that causes the dent or crease on the forehead, or maybe a sleepless night, most women just 'let it go' or 'let it be' because they want to 'maintain the peace in the house' and not 'fight or squabble' in front of the kids/in-laws, or they're just simply tired of the behaviour anyways.

But the next time the Volcano erupts, all of it just comes tumbling out; Flowing irrepressibly like the lava, smouldering hot, ready to kick-ass and burn everything in its path.... The anguish of all past actions and events bursts forth, and the 'victim' (the significant better-half, ofcourse) is once again caught in his favourite position - unawares.

He either feigns complete ignorance to all the hurt he has caused, or better still, reminds you "Why did you not tell me then? Why rake it now, after all these weeks/months...?"

As if.....

And maybe he is right. The sensitive and sentimental oafs that we are, we presume that if we let the moment pass, we may forget/forgive the hurtful episode and move on, little knowing that 'We', like the mighty pachyderm that roam this Earth, 'NEVER forget.'

Does that make us vengeful? Certainly not! But it does make us extremely vulnerable. So vulnerable that we allow ourselves to be taken for granted, day after day, until one day, we explode out of sheer frustration...only to be told that we should have raised the objection when the event occured.....

So what is the right method of dealing with this predicament? Rap the guy the minute he slips up...anywhere, anytime...no holds barred? Can you imagine the chaos in households if we were to start voicing our 'real' feelings EVERY single time? Would our uber-sexual partners be able to take it?

Yes. Timeliness is everything but weighed against the possible repercussions of a retaliatory dialogue, most women I know would choose to make this mistake over and over again. Including me.