Lucky man Hugh Jackman!

I wasn't very keen on watching the X-Men movie that was released a few months ago, I recall. I had asked the children to go with their friends and save me the bother of sitting through a couple of hours of watching a movie full of blood and gore (or so I thought).

The children, insistent on showing me the 'glory' of the X-Men, begged and eventually I relented.

As I type this I am so glad that I did.

And not just because I enjoyed the movie. 

It was during the scene where Magneto drives metal rods into Wolverine that the son and I heard sobbing sounds emanating from our left. Through the darkness of the cinema and the rather cumbersome 3D glasses, we saw that it was my daughter, his older sister who was crying as she watched Hugh Jackman cringe in pain and die (of course, not for ever, but for the moment.)

As we stepped out of the cinema, son discussed the movie excitedly (as is the norm - we just HAVE to discuss the details of the films we watch), she started tearing up again. 

I looked at her and said, "C'mon, its just a movie, baby!"

She nodded and wiped her tears, hiding her face away from other passers by.

We descended the three flights of stairs and got into the car and the son I realised by now, had understood that his sister was getting emotional at the mention of the particular scene began thus, "Mom, the scene where Magneto tries to kill Wolverine..."

Before he could complete, she was crying again.

I saw her from the rear view (I was driving and the children were seated behind), I shushed her and almost chided her. "Its just a movie!"

"But I love him!" she said, exasperated, while her rather emboldened brother laughed and started again... "Mom, that scene..."

Sighing I started the car as one continued to sob and the other, giggle.

We were headed to a restaurant for dinner and hours later, we thought the "pain" of watching her idol die (but not really die) would have abated. We were clearly mistaken when we saw tears rolling down her face as son excitedly explained the plot to someone who had joined us for the meal.

Oh Hugh Jackman, dear man... Do you have any clue that there's a fan here in faraway India who can't even bear to see you die even though you emerge alive three scenes later? 

You're one lucky man if my daughter's shedding her precious tears on you! One lucky man!!!!

A lost Bf and a friendship

A message that brought back a flood of memories; of shared passion for music and books, of innocent teenage years, of gifts galore, of long chats on the phone, of stolen kisses...

When I wrote back to him, I knew that we would meet - after all that we'd shared when I was 16 and he 21 - a lunch date to catch up on the lost years of conversation and happenings in our lives was a given.

Today, we met.

Like long lost friends.

There was no discomfort.

My anxiety vanished the minute I saw him and we started talking.

We spoke about our lives. And when the conversation veered to books, and music, we were 16 and 21 again.

Thats the magic of friendship!

As we departed, he turned to me and said, "I often wondered what happened to you... Now I know.."

So here's to celebrating the return of a boyfriend from yore!

What do YOU mean when you say "I owe you"?

An innocuous word, "Owe" means different things to different people.

The Oxford Dictionary defines Owe as - "Have an obligation to pay or repay (something, especially money) in return for something received"

I have a problem with the way this word is used and abused, especially amongst friends.

When you do something for a friend, are you seeking a return favour? An owing? Like a debt that may be needed to be repaid?

When did friendships become a transaction?

I did something for you my friend because because I wanted to do it. Because we are friends. We have a relationship based on mutual respect and admiration. I did it because you're a fellow human, and because it was within my capacity to do it.

I didn't do it because I expected something in return, least of all a gushing "I owe you".

Often when I have done something, the 'better' people have responded with a genuine Thank You.

Often these are the people who understand me more as a person who does things because she can. Its just as simple as that.

I have a problem with this word, because over the years, my friends who say an "I owe you" when in the throes of excitement, forget it sooner than the turn of the tide.

I have a problem with people who resort to fanciful recompenses that they will neither remember nor have the capability to fulfil.

I have a problem with such people who cannot understand or appreciate my inner being and choose to use my random act to turn it into some sort of a "favour".

I have a problem with such untruths.

Backseat Conversation July 2014

Sometimes I think that the son is quick witted. At other times, well, he's just honest.

Daughter: "Mama, you know our neighbour is pregnant and A thought that she's become fat."

A: "Of course mama! You don't know but she eats a lot."

O H K A Y!

Who knows you best? Your child, of course!

Son's new friend comes home for the first time and is surprised that our pet Beagle is quite docile.

"Your dog doesn't bark?" he asks.

"Not really," comes the prompt reply.

"I have a ferocious dog at home," reveals the friend.

"Wow, really? What breed is it?"

"Its called a German Shepherd."

"Oh okay... Any way, he can't come to my home, or else he will have to deal with my mother."

Both nod in agreement.

Where do I go?

Where do I go?

I have a daughter to raise
A life to live
Dreams to be fulfilled

I want to soar
to party till late, and travel the world
and go for a run at 11 pm when I want to just..run...
I want her to wear what she wants
want her to fly
and feel like a 'person' not a 'girl'
everywhere she goes..

I want freedom
For her and for me

Where do I go?

The streets are not safe
Women, girls and even little babies
Are being raped
night and day

Will she be safe even with a male friend?
Will she be able to fight the lascivious species that pose as men?
Will she, the sweet mannered child that she is,
comprehend the sickness of the mind
whose hand's groping her bum
or squeezing a boob
on public transportation
or inside that sanctum where we went to find God?

Where do I go
to find us a safe haven
far away from this deranged,
uncivilised world?

Where do I go
To raise a happy girl
who blossoms into a happy woman
And learns to trust and love
Mankind...?

Where in this whole goddamned world do I go?

*Total disgust and disillusionment with the way the female kind is treated across the world made me ramble so...

Since Gopinath Munde's death has brought Road Accidents into focus

Yesterday a Union Minister and a stalwart in Indian politics, Gopinath Munde lost his life in a road accident. He was seated behind in his car, but wasn't wearing a seat belt. The impact of the crash caused massive internal injuries to which he succumbed within hours of the accident.

His untimely and sad demise has brought the fatalities of India's roads and the lack of respect by the common Indian for road rules and the law into sharp focus. Twitter was abuzz as Indians lamented the lack of safety on our roads and the losses of lives every single day. 

In terms of numbers, more people die in India in road accidents than anywhere else in the world!

"National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), in the year 2011 there were 440,123 road accidents resulting in the death of 136,834 people. The incidence of accidental deaths increased by 44.2% in 2011 from 2001. This figure translates into one death every five minutes on Indian roads and is expected to escalate to one death every three minutes by 2020."

Source: www.livemint.com

Those statistics are horrifying considering that we spend a substantial part of our day commuting to and from work, battling the vagaries of weather and nightmarish traffic.

The problem of increasing road accidents and resulting deaths in India is not just due to the quality of roads. If the number of deaths occurring in accidents on highways and large cities is anything to go by, poor roads are a tiny cause of the deaths. 

Whether you're a two wheel rider or behind the wheels of a four wheeler, if you're the kind who follows traffic rules (doesn't overtake from the left, gives those going straight the right of way etc.) you will understand that the intrinsic problem with the traffic situation in India, and those directly or indirectly responsible for the huge numbers of deaths on our roads are INDIANS. 

Yes.

It is us.

Those Indians who don't follow road rules or traffic laws and those who standby and watch (or worse still, drive away) when an accident occurs. 

The other morning, as is customary on my return from the gym at about 730am, I stopped at a traffic signal because it was Red. I was showing utter disregard to fellow commuters, quite obviously, for a few cars stopped behind me, honked a few times to let their disdain be known (Why is this driver WAITING? There is no traffic at this hour!) or those that zipped off from the left of my lane, the drivers actually turned back to "look" at this really "stupid driver"!

While I sat there singing aloud to the music playing in my car, I saw a motorbike in my side view hesitate for a nano second before its rider chose to cross the junction, while the signal was still red. I didn't think much of it, for when you're riding a Bullet you do tend to be a bit of a risk taker, (even if you're wearing a helmet like this rider was) and if you live in a city like Pune, you've pretty much accepted that road rules are NOT for us Puneris...

To my horror, however, as he crossed my car, I saw that there was a little boy, all of 8 or 9 riding pillion, clinging on to the shirt of the rider, his legs barely reaching the foot stand on either side. This child, clearly out on a joy ride with daddy or uncle it being summer holidays and all, was in grave danger, and the adult responsible for his safety (who I might repeat was wearing a helmet to save his own head incase of an accident) was recklessly endangering him!

If they were to get into an accident (with a vehicle coming from the road where the signal was 'green') who would be blamed? The roads? The traffic? Or the PERSON behind the Wheel???

This is not an isolated episode and neither is such carelessness restricted to two wheel riders. Cars break rules with as much impunity as trucks and buses. Heck, cop cars also break rules often!

Look around you when you're driving (and not breaking a rule yourself) you will find that traffic offences - reckless overtaking, jumping traffic signals, not giving way, not understanding "right of way", overcrowding (on scooters and in auto rickshaws), speeding, zig zag driving, talking on your mobile phone, not wearing the seat belt, standing on the zebra crossing, instead of behind it or allowing underage children to drive - are endemic to us and I daresay, our "Indianness".

For we would not DARE break the laws of another country with such carelessness. 

It has something to do with the lack of implementation of laws (which includes exacting penalties from errant drivers), which to me, is a stupid reason to be irresponsible on the road because eventually the very people who break the laws are also the ones who have to bear the brunt of it... 

It also has something to do with our "Bhagwan/Ram bharose" attitude that coupled with the belief in destiny and karma make us feel invincible ("Its not my time yet").... 

But most of all, it has to do with our lack of respect for another human being, who may end up bearing the brunt of our recklessness.

Like Shri Gopinath Munde.

Or the scores of others who have lost their lives because one driver thought "Hey, its 6 am... Who's going to cross this junction at this hour!!! Screw the light... Im in a rush" and kaboom!

We blame the roads, (too wide, too easy to speed on, no speed breakers), and instead of looking inwards where the problem really lies, we look to blame something and make even more terrible rules... So we reduce driving speeds on highways and expressways, little realising that the people who 'speed' are responsible for their actions and no amount of government regulation or law is going to make them stop speeding, or in turn stop accidents. 

Worse still we fail to implement existing laws (such as helmets in Pune) and look the other way terming it the 'choice' of the commuter sending wrong signals to an adrenalin driven generation thats driving faster and fancier vehicles on our roads. We don't monitor the process of issuing driver's licenses and on the other hand, as applicants think nothing of bribing someone to get what we want, whether we are good drivers or not.  

Its time to accept that its not our roads that are completely unsafe. The problem lies with us. We are not safe for others on our roads.

Postscript: Last night a friend and I stopped to help an accident victim (biker) in Pune. A few good samaritans had stopped before we'd reached the spot, looked through his mobile phone and placed a call to his family after they'd called the cops and asked for an ambulance. As he lay there bleeding from his head, the delay in the arrival of the ambulance and cops' apathy was shocking, making my friend exclaim, "God forbid you're in a road accident in India..." 

We don't know if he was a hit and run or what happened to him after hospitalisation, but I can't shed the feeling that it must have been "someone like us; an irresponsible driver like us..."

The H word beats the C word hands down!

Suddenly Cancer is everywhere. The disease, not the Sun sign. Please forgive this hopeless attempt at humour in a post that I wish could camouflage what I want to say. But it can't because its very second word is the dreaded C word - the disease that brings images of gaunt, sickly bodies and hairless heads to our minds.

So, yes, suddenly Cancer is everywhere. I've met more people who have been impacted either directly or indirectly by the C word in the past few months than I had ever before.

Today Pune Mirror carried a story that said Bollywood actor Emran Hashmi's 4 year old has a malignant tumour in his kidney that is being treated in Canada. Four years old!

The other day I was at an event organised by a cancer centre and at the dessert counter I bumped into a lady whose son is best buddies with mine. We would often meet each other when our boys were younger, and when we lived in the same housing complex. Two years earlier we'd moved and then I meet her, out of the blue, in the most unexpected of places. After exchanging pleasantries I asked her what she was doing at the event. She smiled and replied, "I am Dr K's patient." Dr K runs the centre and is a renowned Onco-surgeon from Pune.

I was shocked, still am. All I could tell her was "I never knew!" She went on to tell me that she is fine now, had had 8 chemo sessions before she'd beaten the dreaded C, and was at the event to express solidarity with other 'survivors.'

Then she asked me, "What are you doing here?"

I said, "I am here to express solidarity too. My daughter's classmate, 14 years old had a tumour in her abdomen which was recently removed. I am here with her parents."

And that really is the story of my post on this day - 4th February - which I later got to know is World Cancer Day. 

My daughter's classmate and bestie D, a perfectly healthy, happy and regular teen suddenly developed a fever on New Year's eve. Two weeks later she had a horrible stomach ache which turned out to be a malignant tumour that weighed 4.8 kilos. 

From May last year when she had taken a scan of her abdomen for a menstruation issue to January this year, this tumour had appeared and grown faster and bigger than a baby grows in the womb in nine months. 

After I visited her at the hospital when she was first admitted and discovered the gravity of the 'growth' in her tummy, I came home shell-shocked. Couldn't sleep the night knowing that this little girl, this child, was to be operated upon to remove the cancerous tumour and that the dreaded chemo would follow.

My faith in God was shaken. 

There was no reason, not one single reason that could convince me why a happy, normal girl, who had a normal and happy childhood had to be put through such trauma. 

I questioned His sense of right and wrong... His lack of conscience... Justice... Humanity... Lamented the loss of Innocence... The utterly unnecessary baggage of the C word... The trauma... 

Today I visited her at the hospital where she is back for the chemotherapy. Watching her brave the pain of the continuous drips was heart rendering. Worse still was knowing that this is the beginning of  the inevitable loss of hair, that to a teen means much more than it does to us.

But today I saw it. More clearly than I have for the past three weeks as I have interacted closely with her parents; giving support, logistical help in whatever tiny way I can and more than all else, trying to understand how a dad and mom keep themselves sane in the face of such catastrophe.

Today I saw what keeps them going. 

Its H O P E. 

In these three weeks I have learned more lessons in courage and faith than I have in my entire life. 

The laughter that resonates through the room as someone invariably cracks a joke, is real, not contrived. 

The happiness on the face of D as another bottle of the ghastly medicine reaches its last drop, is the happiness of success. And of victory. 

The smiles we share as we watch D imitate her classmates and the doctor are straight from the heart, knowing that she has the fortitude to see this through; because she can smile despite the pain.

The ease with which they discuss the entire medical process, in plainspeak, without resorting to hyperbole, is indicative of the strength they've gained from acceptance and reconciliation.

Her hands are bruised, but her spirit isn't. Her hair may go, but I know her confidence won't. Her fight will end, and she will go back to being the regular teen, but somewhere, something would have changed forever, and something tells me that it will have been for the best.

Maybe that's why I am not so angry with Him today.

Why infidelity is a double-edged sword

Sunanda Tharoor died. While the actual cause of death is still unknown, what is known is that she was distraught at her husband’s seeming indiscretion. She was heartbroken at his infidelity; he was paying attention to another woman, and in a way that she assumed was detrimental to her marriage.

So she did what many women in her situation would do – confront the perpetrators (her husband and the lady in question); only in this case she did it on social media. The world got to know that something was amiss and although the diplomatic husband later issued a statement that everything was fine with their marriage, the seeds of suspicion had been planted.

Ask any marriage counsellor or psychologist and you will know that when confronted with the shock of a cheating spouse human beings react in similar ways. First there is anger, then there are emotional outbursts, followed by grief, sadness and lastly, action – either the partner chooses to reconcile or seek separation/divorce.

Sunanda Tharoor seemed to have gone through every stage, and almost just as systematically during a very short span of time. At the end of it, she died.

Her husband Shashi Tharoor is distraught and rightfully so. He has lost his wife, friend, companion and lover. While the world can speculate about his alleged affair, the fact of the matter is that Tharoor is as much a loser in this situation as Sunanda was.

Infidelity is a double-edged sword and neither party can get out of it unscathed.

The partner whose spouse cheats on them feels an immense sense of loss – of trust and of the partner ‘you loved and married’. The fear of financial crisis, the complication of children (and the effect this has on them, their future), the shock, the hurt, the anger and the obsession “is he/she with her right now?” can be all consuming. Overcoming infidelity is not impossible but it is a slow and intense process that requires both partners to show commitment to their relationship.

The partner who cheated, on the other hand, does not get away scot-free. A one night stand, a fling, or even a long standing affair becomes a bitter pill to swallow, especially if they never ‘intended’ to hurt their spouse by their actions.

In many cases of infidelity, the cheating partner is unable to let go of their life ‘as they know it’, the children and their home; the comfort of their surroundings and even the spouse they cheated on. Whether they cheat out of disinterest in their marriage, or merely for fun, their carelessness causes their lives to get disrupted as well. When children are involved, there is a huge price to pay.

We may never know the reality of the Tharoor saga. Did he actually have the affair? Did he intend leaving his wife? Was he in love? 

The bottom line remains, that something happened and it has resulted in the death of a fine woman.

May God grant Shashi Tharoor the courage to live with that!

Pressure

Is it important that the people you meet, the people you have brief encounters with must mean something to you? 

Like an important element in your quest for truth, like the interactions that answer all your questions about living, life, happiness and peace, like finding that one person who sets the example of what you might want to become ?????? 

Or can all your travels, your journeys be just about the joy of doing it - without an inner or a hidden meaning, without becoming the answer to your quest - either for truth or happiness? 

Why is it that I need a "reason" to do what I am doing? 

Can I not travel without thinking that I may gain something at the end of it? 

Can my travel not be for a purpose other than the purpose of the sheer joy I could get being happy - without a rhyme or a reason, without a purpose, without thinking that I HAVE to be happy because of where I am, without even hoping that the journey I am making brings me anything more than a good night's sleep, not happiness or peace or even satisfaction.  Maybe the journey brought me more turmoil, more sadness or more craziness. Does it mean that it served its purpose? Or am I too conditioned - to strain myself to look for a meaning, a direction or an indication for every single thing I do? 

Can not the joy of doing nothing also be a joy?